Why

Wondering Why 2/18/20

I don't feel loved and I don't feel appreciated. Today is a prime example in case you are wondering why.

In the last 24 hours, I have only had about 3 hours of sleep (from 8 a.m. Monday to 8 a.m. Tuesday) 

Yesterday, We went to the Brevard zoo and then I had to go to work. I took an extra Vyvanse, bought two monsters energy drinks and water, and a pack of Reese's so I would have something to eat but I made it through the night. When I got off at 4 a.m., I came home and went to bed to try to get some sleep. When I got to bed, she was rolled up in the blanket like a burrito. So after fight the dog for a spot, I payed on the edge and just dealt with being cold so she wouldn't have to be!

So I got about 3.5 hours of sleep and got up about 7:45amz. I was still freezing, my stomach hurt probably from the monster and less than nutritious dinner, so I staggered to the couch and curled up. She was in the kitchen making food for her co-workers pot luck so when she seen me she asked, "whats wrong" with me? I told her that I did not feel very good and I was freezing.

She left me be for a minute, then came back and said "honey!, babe!, babe!" So I got snappy and replied back "honey! what! what!" and oh my God I'm might as well have called her the c-word! She again asked what is wrong with me and I again said 3 hours if sleep, I didn't feel good, and I was freezing! 

SO!

Did she offer me a blanket?

NO!

Did she offer to make me some coffee?

NOPE!

Instead she got mad, shoved the thermometer in my ear, seen it must have been normal, And explained she had to go! She again asked if I was gonna be "be ok!" 

I again explained I was fine, just crancky, cold and tired and she shouldn't take it personally but of course she always does!

Then baby crawled into the dining room, so she went and picked him up and again explained that she had to go because she was late! 

So she asked if I wanted the baby. I said yes just put him down on the floor in front of me. Well I guess she didn't like that answer and said that answer, Got mad, and said she "didn't know if I wanted him on the couch with me and that I needed to watch him because she has to go." So she put him on the floor, handed me a pack of cookies for him, them grabbed her stuff, didn't say bye or I love you and just stormed out.

After she left I got up, and was feeding him the cookies and realize that his diaper hadn't been changed since she got him up and was super soaked. I looked around couldn't find the diapers, so I texted her to see if she knew where they were and she said that we don't have anymore and that she should've picked some up at Walmart this morning but she wasn't thinking. Now if I were to say anything else at this point, I know she would get offended because ("she wasn't thinking like always" or some dumb shit) would be offensive to her so I just dropped it.

So if you're wondering why....

That's why I dont fucking feel appreciated.

Had a long exhausting day yesterday, only to get a couple hours of cold restless sleep. Then have to wake up, get bitched at first thing before having to watch the baby all day with no diapers! And I'm the bad guy cause I'm alwayw grouchy? Fuck That! Seriously anyone would be exhausted and a bit grouchy right?? Nope apparently, I'm just a huge asshole to everyone. And makes me question why even bother.

We fought about this over the weekend about this, and she told Jacob that we just don't get along anymore! I suggested that I quit my job so I'm not grouchy all the time, and that made her mad, so then I suggested that we can put the baby in daycare so I didn't have to work an overnight job, and that made her super mad and cry because "we can't afford that, and we don't have any help" blah blah!

I'm like, I know Karen, that's why I sacrifice my own well-being and happyness to do what has to be done but apparently nothing is good enough because she "Not Happy"! 

I don't know what the hell she wants from me! I'm already overdosing myself on drugs just so I can live on next to no sleep most days to make sure the baby is taken care of, the preteen is happy, the laundry gets done, and the other chores don't pile up too much. but NO it not good enough because she's not happy! 

Trust me, I Don't want an award for doing my fatherly duties but I feel like my efforts go unappreciated. Believe me when I say I am trying to take care of everyone but myself nothing end of the day I just want somebody to care about me. My mother never really did, and for the longest time Amanda did but now I feel that's fading. This morning, all it would have taken was a a nice warm cup of coffee and a kiss from her to help me get up. 

But no Instead said would rather just get mad at me..... Again! So, yea, That is why, in case you were wondering. 

good evening Blog



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Relique

So I haven’t updated you in a while but I should more often. But you know I won’t lol

 

 

Anyway, so for the last few month Amanda has been working nights. I really miss her but I’m sooo happy she is working and keeping a job!! The down side is I don’t get to see her as much as I would like to. She gets 2 days off a week and she will usually spend alot of that time on warcraft. I can’t really say much about that cause I told her to get a job and she can do whatever she wants to do but in reality it makes me sad because she is my only friend and I get so boarded and lonely when she is on there. Maybe it wouldn't be so sad if I had a comp and we could play together but we have just the one. 

 

Recently she has really been really disconnected from me (more than usual). I couldn’t figure out why even though she always tells me its cause I yell and bitch at her. I might be being mean to her but its cause I need her, I need her to get off the computer and spend some time with me and Jake. We only really get to see her 2 nights a week but those are the nights she raids with the guild. I’m ok with that but instead of the 3 hours the guild raids, she will get on at 7 and play till 4 or 5 in the morning. Recently she has started not even going to sleep the whole time she has off so she can play that game. Oh where has my girlfriend gone?

 

Within the last month she has started acting very suspect. 2 nights in a row when I go to bed she ran and grabbed her phone, when I called her out on it she got defensive. Suspect!! There has been one guy that she seems to have befriended in the guild named relique aka David cull of Madison, WI. He is a good members and I encourage her to have friends so no big deal right?

 

--The MySpace page--

 

One morning she when to log into MySpace and she found a fake page I created to get non nude pics of pretty girls for a website that I have become a fan of called jailbaitgalley.com. I copied a 16 year old kid’s page from Cali to get the pics of the girls that have their pages set to private or friends only. I get really board when in her every night by myself and the search and discovery of theses pics was a hell of a time killer and it was like scavenger hunt for than anything else. But anyway she logged into MySpace and found this page and freaked out. I told her part of the story that I was playing around coping pages and it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t tell her the real reason I made the page... She totally didnt buy the store but I was on my way of wiggling out of it and I even deleted the page. 

 

 

---The web site---

About 2 days after she found the fake MySpace page, she said, Jacob was playing on my laptop and somehow got into the history of the computer and opened the jailbaitgallery website and she sees it. If you think she was mad about the facebook, I didn’t compare to the non nude, teenage gallery. Holly shit she freaked out and cried and treated to leave me. I felt really bad that she was so hurt. I never in a million years thought she would react to it like that because it was just a place for people to share non-nude pics. I never told her that was what the myspace page was for but it just made me look way creepier. She told me she had to go to the beach to think things out and that was ok. When she was gone I got rid of all my pics and porn links. I gave her my phone to listen to music as I did a few weeks ago. When she got home she had a much better re-pore and I hope she would get over it sooner than later. When I got my phone back I noticed she had called relique and talked to him almost the entire she was gone. I got suspicious why she would turn to him but I didn’t say anything about.

 

 

---The call--

 

I have always been a bit jealous that my best friend has found a new best friend in relique. One night the guild was raiding and relique got mouthy and intoo removed him from the raid and she /gbitched and then /gquit. Amanda followed suit and /gkicked the rest of his toons. I was sooo happy they got into it because I don’t like compaction for my girls attention. The very next day I got an in game PST from relique telling me that he wanted to inform me my girl was cheating on me. I replied with really and he said I just though you should know. I said back yea probably with you asshole. Then he informed me that I was not talking to relique but his girlfriend and she wanted to call me. I gave her my number and she called me. She informed me that he has been acting suspect as well and he was a known cheater, so she looked in his emails and found that him and Amanda have been communicating and there was a master plan for her to go up there. There were emails were they were tading pics and even emails were he told her she took him by storm and she is really sweet when she is drinking. She replies that he took her by storm and she felt so lame that she was cring over me. Even the day after the big guild fight, as soon as I went to work she wrote him ""Ok cranky man I tried to call you. Heartbroken? I know the feeling. heh I friggin cried cause I was so upset.....lame huh? Not fair that you completely took me by storm. Anyways, I tried to call your ass n you should call me back cause I do wanna talk to you. I still expect to see this creepy clown picture too btw."" And he replied ""Yes heartbroken.You took me by storm you’re the one that had the master plan.  I would love to hear your voice and talk to you but I’m still so sad and not up for it. You don’t want pictures of me you good especially not clown ones. I waited up for you until 5am btw. On the upside you can have skel be your roommate now right... = ("" I assume she told him she was leaving me over the gallery pics but I don’t know. Mind you this was after the big public fight and kicking from the guild. She has been carful about deleting all their emails and text messages so this was all I got besides the pics of him. I was Pissed and his girlfriend was pissed. About an hour after this Amanda called me on her lunch break and I just couldnt hold back. I asked her what the master plan was even though I already knew. She replied she didn’t know what I was talking about so I hung up on her. She called me back to confess it was just a joke and how I told her I had talked to his girlfriend I knew everything. As I expected she called him and then left work. So I wrote him an email from her account telling him to never fucking talk to my wife again and that he was fucked in the head if he ever though he could get a girl as good as mine and if I ever found out that he tried to contact her I would make all his master plan dreams come true but it would be coming up there instead of her.ect ect

 

  

---The Fight---

I told her I knew everything and she needed to start confessing. She told me that it was all his fault and he sweet talked her and romanced her and she was starting to fall for him. BARF!! She said he said all the right things to her and she was just a dumb girl that fell for it but she didnt know why. I told her to never talk to him again and she just rolled her eyes at me. The whole time we were fight she just seemed more upset I found out than anything and she was sorry, whatever! I just couldn’t believe she told me she was falling for him, how fucking dare you looking your boyfriend in the eye and say I’m falling for another man but I love you... BULL SHIT!! I told her how his girl said he has been lying to her and that when the true emotion came out. She was so mad he had lied to her more that she was playing me THATS FUCKED UP RIGHT?  But I decided to drop it because Jacobs’s birthday was the next day....

 

 

 

To be continued