Why

Wondering Why 2/18/20

I don't feel loved and I don't feel appreciated. Today is a prime example in case you are wondering why.

In the last 24 hours, I have only had about 3 hours of sleep (from 8 a.m. Monday to 8 a.m. Tuesday) 

Yesterday, We went to the Brevard zoo and then I had to go to work. I took an extra Vyvanse, bought two monsters energy drinks and water, and a pack of Reese's so I would have something to eat but I made it through the night. When I got off at 4 a.m., I came home and went to bed to try to get some sleep. When I got to bed, she was rolled up in the blanket like a burrito. So after fight the dog for a spot, I payed on the edge and just dealt with being cold so she wouldn't have to be!

So I got about 3.5 hours of sleep and got up about 7:45amz. I was still freezing, my stomach hurt probably from the monster and less than nutritious dinner, so I staggered to the couch and curled up. She was in the kitchen making food for her co-workers pot luck so when she seen me she asked, "whats wrong" with me? I told her that I did not feel very good and I was freezing.

She left me be for a minute, then came back and said "honey!, babe!, babe!" So I got snappy and replied back "honey! what! what!" and oh my God I'm might as well have called her the c-word! She again asked what is wrong with me and I again said 3 hours if sleep, I didn't feel good, and I was freezing! 

SO!

Did she offer me a blanket?

NO!

Did she offer to make me some coffee?

NOPE!

Instead she got mad, shoved the thermometer in my ear, seen it must have been normal, And explained she had to go! She again asked if I was gonna be "be ok!" 

I again explained I was fine, just crancky, cold and tired and she shouldn't take it personally but of course she always does!

Then baby crawled into the dining room, so she went and picked him up and again explained that she had to go because she was late! 

So she asked if I wanted the baby. I said yes just put him down on the floor in front of me. Well I guess she didn't like that answer and said that answer, Got mad, and said she "didn't know if I wanted him on the couch with me and that I needed to watch him because she has to go." So she put him on the floor, handed me a pack of cookies for him, them grabbed her stuff, didn't say bye or I love you and just stormed out.

After she left I got up, and was feeding him the cookies and realize that his diaper hadn't been changed since she got him up and was super soaked. I looked around couldn't find the diapers, so I texted her to see if she knew where they were and she said that we don't have anymore and that she should've picked some up at Walmart this morning but she wasn't thinking. Now if I were to say anything else at this point, I know she would get offended because ("she wasn't thinking like always" or some dumb shit) would be offensive to her so I just dropped it.

So if you're wondering why....

That's why I dont fucking feel appreciated.

Had a long exhausting day yesterday, only to get a couple hours of cold restless sleep. Then have to wake up, get bitched at first thing before having to watch the baby all day with no diapers! And I'm the bad guy cause I'm alwayw grouchy? Fuck That! Seriously anyone would be exhausted and a bit grouchy right?? Nope apparently, I'm just a huge asshole to everyone. And makes me question why even bother.

We fought about this over the weekend about this, and she told Jacob that we just don't get along anymore! I suggested that I quit my job so I'm not grouchy all the time, and that made her mad, so then I suggested that we can put the baby in daycare so I didn't have to work an overnight job, and that made her super mad and cry because "we can't afford that, and we don't have any help" blah blah!

I'm like, I know Karen, that's why I sacrifice my own well-being and happyness to do what has to be done but apparently nothing is good enough because she "Not Happy"! 

I don't know what the hell she wants from me! I'm already overdosing myself on drugs just so I can live on next to no sleep most days to make sure the baby is taken care of, the preteen is happy, the laundry gets done, and the other chores don't pile up too much. but NO it not good enough because she's not happy! 

Trust me, I Don't want an award for doing my fatherly duties but I feel like my efforts go unappreciated. Believe me when I say I am trying to take care of everyone but myself nothing end of the day I just want somebody to care about me. My mother never really did, and for the longest time Amanda did but now I feel that's fading. This morning, all it would have taken was a a nice warm cup of coffee and a kiss from her to help me get up. 

But no Instead said would rather just get mad at me..... Again! So, yea, That is why, in case you were wondering.